Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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