Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
