I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
