Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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