I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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