This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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