My friends, they love my intelligence
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
