Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
