Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
