You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
