she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
