My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
