I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
