some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
