dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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