these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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