Please, let me fuck your mom
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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