i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
