Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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