I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i used baking grease as lip gloss
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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