you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he was CRYING into my vagina
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
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Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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