Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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