Already got asked if we're dating
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
