True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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