he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
