I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
