Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
