I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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