I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
