What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
