I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
This is my gift to your gina
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
