Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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