I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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