My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
