Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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