i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
