I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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