I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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