So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
