i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
