it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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