I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
