he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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