i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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