There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
