Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
