Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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