my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
third nipple confirmed
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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