I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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