Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
