epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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