i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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