Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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