My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
