I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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