1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Operation Purity has been aborted
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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