You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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